Childhood

• My mom married Jon when I was probably 1 year old, after being homeless after leaving my biological dad, who was also abusive.
• Mom wanted Jon to adopt me so that we'd all have the same last name. I remember not wanting that, but also I was a little kid.
• Eventually around age 11 or 12 they moved us from Washington State to Missouri. My biological dad side of the family (six siblings, a grandmother) lived in Washington. Mom's family lived in Texas. I didn't get to grow up around any of this family because it was deemed not important.
• Once as kids my sister Rose: (Jon+Mom daughter) and I were playing on a foam wedge and Rose: (toddler?) fell off it. Jon picked me up and threw me across the room to get to Rose:.
• Jon was a construction worker and a drunk. His attitude was always that he earned the money so he didn't have to do anything else. Mom, Rose:, and I stayed at home and were homeschooled and we'd clean the house.
• Lots of yelling and broken furniture. "At least he doesn't hit us." - Mom
• In my tween years mom was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. Jon remarked, "We should get a divorce so I don't have to pay for it."
• Once as a teenager I was on my computer in my bedroom. Jon kept telling me to unload the dishwasher, but I said Rose: should do it. He came to my room and grabbed me by the neck to get me away from the computer, then shoved me away when I called out for mom.
• Once as a teenager we were arguing about something and Jon said "You don't want me as an enemy" and me, a teenager, said "me neither" or something, then he shoved me against the wall and looked like he was going to punch me.
• As a teenager Jon frequently called me a bitch and would say things like "It's not always about you!" for the smallest things. As an adult, this makes me feel like everyone secretly hates me and thinks I'm a bitch.
• I started dating my first boyfriend at 17 and one time Jon came down to the basement while I was on the computer and he called me a whore.
• Another time as a teenager, I was in the kitchen for whatever reason. Jon said that I need to stop being on the computer all the time, or I'll "never learn anything and end up selling your body under a bridge, except nobody would pay for your body."
• I began going to community college at the age of 14. I didn't get my Associates degree until I was 18, then I went to university from 19 to 21. Even then, it wasn't good enough for Jon; he was angry that I wasn't done with college by 17.
• At a relative's funeral he stormed out because they were talking about god and heaven, and he was ranting and raving in the car. That's the earliest I remember beginning to fantasize about what I would say at his funeral.
• As a teenager I lived in the basement of the house, but we only had a bathroom upstairs near the bedrooms. If I'd come up to use the bathroom at night, it would wake up Jon (a light sleeper) and anything that wakes him up makes him SO MAD. Mom gave me a bucket and a toilet seat to keep in the basement to use at night. Instead, I got very good at knowing where the creaky floorboards were at, how to silently open doors, and how to angle my peeing against the side of the toilet bowl so it wouldn't make a splashing sound. I had to learn to be completely silent to be able to use the bathroom at night.

2021 - 2023

• Rai and I bought our first house. Jon was saying the wiring was all messed up, then he gutted all the electrical wire from the house. We were without electricity for at least a month, had to pay $8000 for an electrical company to redo everything.
• Mom came to live with us for a while, but every time she was gone, Jon would go to the ER for "his heart", even though nothing was found. Mom was afraid that if she really got a divorce, he'd spend all of their money. Also, because she was a stay-at-home mom and only worked teaching school before and after that, she barely had any retirement for herself and was reliant on Jon for a house. I told her we'd support her, but she wanted to be independent.

2024

Cousin's grandma's funeral: My cousin's grandmother (on Jon's side) passed away early in the year and we had a celebration of life ceremony. For some reason Jon decided to say a few words, but was like "really I don't know any of you or like anyone" or some weird shit like that. Everyone was staring at him like what the fuck.

Mom in the ICU:

• Jon: It is very frustrating when she needs to rest let her rest.
• Rach: Rose hasn't seen her all week, let her visit for a mimnute.
• Rose: You said afternoon, but I can do sunday.
• Jon: She had her first two panic attacks last night and they gave her meds to help out with that.
• Rose: I mean I could do Sunday.
• Jon: She would love to visit with you I'm sure but she is not a road side attraction. She is a seriously ill patient with needs of her own.
• Rose: Weird, that is not waht I'm doing at all, don't talk like that. You wouldn't want something to tell you you think mom is a roadside attraction.

He also repeatedly kept saying he thought her brain was going due to cancer, but he is the delusional one. He doesn't understand that she was very unhappy in their relationship, and heck we were all very unhappy as a family. I had a lot of anger issues from my time living in that household as a child and teenager. He thinks that he's perfect and never does anything wrong but will never take feedback from anyone. He says he's empathetic and then actively does not think about other peoples' feelings.

Also he hates animals and resents that mom got another dog after our childhood dog died.

• Jon: I have been holding this from you both for some time. Your mother has been exhibiting signs of diminishing mental capacity. Before all this latest medical situation she has been pushing me away in several ways. I think she is not seeing things clearly. She just called me up to tell me that she doesn't want me to care for her and with a good many fuck you's. I don't want this at all.
• Rose: I've heard you both say that about each other. Your marriage just is not great for you guys. Me and Rachel have both said that and have been aware of it since we were children. I don't know if either of y'all will take advice from us. You are both set on what you want to do.
• Jon: Probably right I have tried to keep things going. i thought if I could be kind, thoughtful and patient it would get better. I have been trying to get her to work with a counselor for decades. She sees it as a me problem.
• Rose: You are both flawed. I definitely wouldn't have described you as patient when I lived with you. It's weird because your brain completely erases all the times you have been negative or taken out your anger on other people.
• Jon: Also her scans show she has other health problems other than cancer.
• Rose: Like what?
• Jon: I don't want to say she might not have been told and maybe she doesn't want you to know. She told me when we bought this house the dog would not be coming with us. That dog has been between us since she demanded that she have one.
• Rose: Isn't this drama? Over a dog?
• Jon: I think i have been extremely patient and reluctantly understanding. Rose:, yes it appears the dog is most important to her.
• Rach: A lot of people consider their dogs to be like their children, she doesn't want to abandon her child.
• Jon: But I think she really wanted grandkids.
• Rose: If [partner] had a comfort snake I would adjust.
• Jon: That's what is called gaslighting.
• Rose: I think in general, you are not really that patient with other people.
• Rach: The thing we're gonna have to figure out by tomorrow morning is where mom is going, or where dad is going, while Roger stays with us for the weekend.
• Rose: You are the least patient person I've ever known around other people, that's just been your personality, you have other good aspects and you are my dad.
• Jon: Sure thing that is how you stay together for 35 years. No patients.
• Rose: You have been very caring for mom in this situation! And I'm sure it's been really helpful to have you there. I think you've been together for 35 years because you're both afraid of change.
• Jon: I know you see me as the bad guy and blame me for this. I hope you someday come to see me in a better light.
• Rach: It's not a healthy relationship, not a matter of bad guys.
• Jon: I have always been caring and supportive of all of you. It has not only been my duty but my pleasure.
• Rose: I have a more nuanced view than that, that's taking it too far.
• Rach: You have been very critical of me, calling me crude names as a teenager, even physically bullying me at times.
• Jon: Cognitive distortion.
• Rach: So you don't remember calling me a whore, a bitch, grabbing me by the neck when I refused to do the dishes, or shoving me agains ta wall when I challenged you. I've been sober all 36 years of my life.
• Rose: See your brain just forgets about everything. You either don't remember or flat out deny, nothing new.
• Jon: Never called anyone a whore.
• Rach: You definitely called me a whore as a 17 year old.
• Rose: You said Rachel would wind up a whore under a bridge.
• Rach: Also that.
• Jon: I see where you two are taking this. I'm not goin gthat way.
• Rach: I'm just interested in a plan for tomorrow. I guess if you're going to keep wallowing in your own world I'll have to call the shots and make the decisions.
• Jon: My plan is to keep to myself and mind my own business. [...]
• Jon: I know when I am not watned. I also know who I am and will not allow people to define me. Good luck with all that. If you need my help just ask but maybe apologize first.

Later

Jon: So frustrating when Rhonda will not take the chemo. [...] I don't understand.

My hunch is that if she got better she realized she'd still be trapped living with him.

Dad wanted to make Thanksgiving really good for her, but she passed on November 7th.

After mom died, I posted in my 2024-11-11 blog post Thoughts about dying:

I had stayed at their house the day before and that night so that I could help give her morphene and lorazepam every 4 hours. 4 am was the last time, and I thought I'd have to go into work so I went home for a few hours to get extra sleep. Dad texted around 7 am that mom had passed, so I drove back immediately. Saw my mom, was there when the nurse and social worker and the funeral home people came, watched her body get gurneyed out to a car, next to another body, and off to the funeral home. Cancelled class for the day, spent the day with dad and my sister, spent the night... dad changed the bedsheets on mom's bed and I slept there, spent time writing in my journal at her desk.

The day after mom passed dad wanted to get rid of everything that reminded him of mom. He heard me crying and told me to, "practice mindfulness, there's a hole, so fill it." - wtf. He's never been very emotionally mature, I see this as avoidance. But also, as mom's child, it hurts. There will never be more of mom's things, and dad - my stepdad or adoptive dad - wants to get rid of those things. Running from memories won't solve things.

December - Dad took MOM'S ASHES and scattered them on a beach in Alabama without my sister or I present. MOM has no ties to Alabama. He just had her in a bag and threw her ashes out there. I feel like if Mom knew, she'd be like "of fucking course he would".
When dad dies I'm taking his ashes to Cape Disappointment, WA.

2025

Shoveling mulch out of his yard: He began ranting about how Trump won because of The Gays being "too loud" and everyone being sick of them so they voted for Trump instead. Jon's a democrat but he found his own way to be a bigot and also anti-Trump.

Random email from Jon:

I’ve been carrying something in my heart for a long time, something about your mother, about our family, and about the years we shared together. I want to share it with you now, because I believe understanding the whole story might help you understand us in a fuller, kinder light.

Your mother loved you deeply. She loved me, too. We built a life together with beautiful moments, laughter, and love that I treasure. But like many families, we also had struggles we kept behind closed doors.

Your mother was diagnosed with cancer over 20 years ago. That diagnosis changed everything in ways that were hard to understand. The illness affected not just her body, but also her spirit and our relationship. She pulled away from me emotionally and physically, not because she stopped loving, but because she was scared, hurting, and didn’t know how to ask for help.

For years, I felt like I was loving someone I couldn’t reach, like my love wasn’t returned in the way I needed. That pain has stayed with me, even after all this time. Through it all, I did everything I could to show her that she was loved and supported. I tried my best to be there for her in every way I knew how, even when it seemed like my efforts only pushed her further away. I stayed because I loved her, and because I believed in us.

I know that from the outside, and even around you, things might have looked “normal.” Your mother was very strong at keeping up appearances, and she wanted to protect you from the pain we were going through. That’s why you might not have seen the full picture or understood what was happening between us.

I want you to know that despite the silence and distance, your mother’s love was real. And my love for her was just as real, even when it was hard to show. Sometimes love doesn’t look the way we expect it to, and sometimes people carry their pain in silence but that doesn’t mean the love wasn’t there.

If there was ever a time when it felt like I was not enough, or when I seemed distant or hurt, please understand that I never stopped loving your mother. I wish things could have been different, and I’m sorry for the pain that came with those years.

I’m sharing this not to burden you, but to help you see both of us as real people, imperfect, loving, sometimes lost, but always holding onto family in our own way.

And please remember, I am still here for you, with all the love I have left. I want to walk forward with you, to listen, to share, and to hold our family close with kindness and understanding.

I love you all deeply, and I hope that with this understanding, we can carry forward with compassion, forgiveness, and peace.

With all my love, Dad

June 24th: I asked Jon to look at our A/C, he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. Rai and I called out for a handyperson and they replaced the capacitor for $500. Jon had apparently fixed Rose:'s A/C capacitor before. When he was over, Jon just commented to Rai how he doesn't know how "we live like this". The house gets cluttered, I have a lot of project stuff. I had also just spent 9 days dogsitting my cousin's 3 dogs, so the sofas were put together and I was basically living in the living room because the dogs got lonely a lot. The cat boxes are down in teh basement, and I have a section of the basement blocked off with partitions because the cats like to pee on things on the floor if anything is left out. I've been waiting until this summer to clean things up, but everything has been hectic. I've been in the process of boxing up things and categorizing things and putting them on shelves in the basement; this week was intended to be for vacuuming and mopping downstairs and putting the shelves together to continue cleaning things up.

• Rach: Also just know I'm trying my best at cleaning the house bit by bit but I'm also working two to three jobs at any given time. Additional teaching, freelance, web development, content creation, and so on. We make half the amount we made four years ago. I'm trying my best.
• Jon: You forgot the job of taking care of yourself.
• Rach: Trying to not fall into debt.
• Jon: Time management. Prioritize, don't expect things to change without effort and it is not all on oyu. If you need a smaller house to take care of or a smaller more affordable place. Maybe having less stuff in general to maintain. If youd on't see that living like this is not healthy, we failed you somehow along the way. You can get upset with me for calling you out on it but there's no reason in the world that two educated intelligent grown ass adults should be thinking that it's the way to live much less bring a child into. I love you and it makes my heart sink to see you guys living like that.
• Rach: It would be nice to receive support rather than judgement.
• Jon: Do you think that is what I'm doing? Not supporting you just judging? I am worried about you and I shouldn't have to.
• Rach: Voicing your concerns but not stepping up to provide help isn't support it's adding guilt onto me trying to clean the house this summer but also being busy with work. It isn't motivating, it isn't recognizing all I currently do and have achieved and struggle with. Criticism just depresses people.
• Rose: We are here to help! Everybody just needs to ask for waht they need more. But people want to help.
• Rach: I"m trying to clean the house but I'm not the fastest, i'm working on it. I haven't had any free time.
• Rose: It doesn't all have to be on you!
• Jon: You can go that way and see me as a meeny for seeing and saying something about it if it makes you feel better. I can't or don't want to believe that you prefer to live that way. Also I have cleaned up your place several times and it didn't help.
• Rach: I don't have a lot of mental bandwidth to be prepping a cleaning party and inviting people, to pre plan how everything should be done. Yeah it's one thing to do stuff without consent, doesn't help a whole lot in the long run.
• Jon: Ok I give up. you win.
• Rach: Offloading the mental load would help: Someone else doing research on cleaning companies, how much they charge for what services for our sqft of house. Paying for a trash company to come get the mattresses in our garage and scheduling all that. Helping me find affordable plastic floor protectors to keep in the basement so I don't have to do that research and shopping around. Finding a reasonably priced plumber to help us with our clogged drains. Helping us find a reasonably priced person to tear the moldy walls out of the basement bathroom. There's a million things to do and we're just two people with more than full time jobs.
• Jon: And for what. If you won't keep up with it, in two months it will be the same.
• Rose: Why bring it up dad if you aren't willing to assist?
• Rach: Give me money to see a therapist, which I've been putting off for years. Give me money to hire someone to clean my house once a month. A house is maintenance and a one time gesture doesn't help me maintain anything.
• Jon: I have assisted and I am willing to do what I do or can do won't matter.
• Rose: Does JCCC have an EAP program? I mean the mattress thing and maid seems like a start.
• Rach: If you really want to make a positive change in my live I've given some ideas. Rose: you can research a JCCC EAP if you want to take that mental load. I have to do our finances, I have to finish a freelance website, I have to finish grading programming assignments, on top of everything else today. Feeding myself is a burden. Providing me with food would help. But it's not a one time thing. I have ADHD and Autism. I have disabilities.
• Jon: Don't play that card. Many people have obstacles that they have to overcome. I would say most people do.
• Rach: I'm alive, I pay taxes, I have a job, I'm not on any drugs, I don't drink. I'm not perfect but I'm doing what I can.
• Jon: If you wati for others to do it you could be waiting your entire life.
• Rach: We are supposed to live in a community. We are supposed to take care of each other. I make progress slowly, it's getting done. If you don't want to help then stop bringing me down. It will get done despite you.
• Jon: Or you could make those changes yourself and allow you do it for yourself.
• Rach: But it won't be at the pace you want it at. I am cleaning. I am working. I am taking care of people. I am trying to build a future. I've given a list of tangible things that would actually help. (Giving the help you want to give and not what the recipient needs isn't actually helping.) I have nothing more to say because you just want to guilt me into - what? I don't know what you want or expect. And words are empty. IF you're not taking actions then your words are empty and meaningless.
• Rach: But it won't be at the pace you want it at. I am cleaning. I am working. I am taking care of people. I am trying to build a future. I've given a list of tangible things that would actually help. (Giving the help you want to give and not what the recipient needs isn't actually helping.) I have nothing more to say because you just want to guilt me into - what? I don't know what you want or expect. And words are empty. IF you're not taking actions then your words are empty and meaningless.
• Jon: That's what you got. Blame me for caring. That will certainly help.