Gosh, it has been a year.

I had gone to various therapists during my student years as usually some amount of counselling is free at colleges. I also went to a therapist during my first couple of years working professionally, and it really did help a lot, I became more aware of how our parents "program" things into us, like how we feel about ourselves, and to recognize that and to work on deprogramming that to match our own values more.

But at some point I stopped therapy, and I've mostly just managed my brain through reflection, meditation, and just learning different ways to prepare or frame things or whatever, to help deal with my anxiety or depression or whatever.

This past year, though. My mom passed away in November, we've been doign infertility treatment for three years now on top of the five total years we've been trying to conceive. Work stress has doubled down as they ask for more commitments outside of the classroom, money is tight since my husband was unemployed or ubering for a couple of years and now is at a steady job but only making $20/hr, and I'm at a community college teacher salary on a pay scale for those with just a Bachelors degree, and the job market sure is unstable and I'm not leaving this stability for the potential to earn $30,000 or more than my current salary. And beyond the pressures to try to not go too much into debt and save money, try to work extra jobs to bring in a little extra money, to try to find balance and take care of myself, there's also judgement from family that, while I have been relatively shielded from throughout the years, feels more threatening now with the idea of us having a kid (if that ever happens).

Anyway, with the newfound grief from the loss of my mom, and the grief from not being able to conceive after two rounds of IVF and the complex feelings about my body ("Why is it broken?"), on top of the additional work stress and familial pressure, I've finally signed up to go to therapy again.

The griefs are new feelings, and I don't know how to manage these yet, so I really need the help.